A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
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I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”