A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
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“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Mistakes were made
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything