You Might Also Like
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
“TGIM!” – My liver
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great