A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
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When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
This will teach them to underestimate me
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.