A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
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Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
ready to be harvested
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you