A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
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To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.