A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
You Might Also Like
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
giddy up Office Depot
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Just ordered me some pizza!
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.