A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
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*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy