A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
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[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
i smell a pulitzer
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough