A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
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Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
It do be feeling this way.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”