A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
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[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.