@AristotlesNZ: A guy once told me life's too short to stress, but it turned out that life's much shorter for people who give advice to stressed out people.
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@T_Longstreth: [stops girl before she walks in the puddle] "I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back"
@TheBoydP: Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
@STEELERS1972: So I met this hooker who said she'd do anything for ten bucks . Guess who got his yard cut?
@SortaBad: If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again