@AristotlesNZ: A guy once told me life's too short to stress, but it turned out that life's much shorter for people who give advice to stressed out people.
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@CopBroughtPizza: and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about...MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE
@fro_vo: Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job Me: *already asleep on a folding chair* Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
@JohnLyonTweets: Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won't need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
@BeagirlNJ: I'm "I lost my car in a parking lot" years old *clicks alarm, clicks alarm* *silence* Am I even in the right parking lot?