A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
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this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
me hooking up with my ex
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
(2022)
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL