A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
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I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist