@Brianhopecomedy: A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
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@Reverend_Scott: [first date] HER: So, I hear you're a dog person- ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
@CanadianPitbull: Apparently "mowing the lawn" means two completely different things to my wife and I
@lasergirl70: I'm pretty sure I made one of those "If we're both still single" pacts with someone. I just wish I'd written down his name.