@Brianhopecomedy: A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
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@Ygrene: [being murdered] Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher Murderer: …yes Me: and you didnt empty it Murderer: [murder roles reverse]
@FlyoverJoel: If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
@RobertJrDowney: Who's idea was it to package scissors in a package what requires scissors to open.
@QwertyJones3: A lot of people don't realize that Shania Twain's father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.