@Brianhopecomedy: A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
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@QwertyJones3: Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
@joe_binkley: Women's deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine. Men's deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
@CorkyCrash: I'm happiest when people tell me "Don't be a hero" because there's absolutely no way I'm going to disappoint them.
@Deurb1: The lady in front of me wearing yoga pants keeps bending over to pick up quarters, hope she will for dimes too, as I'm out of quarters.