A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
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Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color