A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
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I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.