A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
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I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…