[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
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You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??