[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
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Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.