@jenstatsky: A guy who wears a ring is always a dealbreaker. If it's on his ring finger, he's married. If it's not, he's a guy who wears rings.
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@mrtruthandsoul: No, I don't need a bag; I'm gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
@eXentRic_: Excuse me waiter, I'm in a bit of a hurry, do you have something that has already been Instagrammed?
@Book_Krazy: FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning *Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* "yes"