Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
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My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
starting a garage orchestra
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.