[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
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How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
this country is so goddamn polarized
For when Tinder doesn’t work
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
LOL
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.