A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
You Might Also Like
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on