Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
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DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!