Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
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Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.