@SteveSuckington: Fun prank: 1. Steal your married friends phone 2. Change your name to 'Brandi from the club' 3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up

@ch000ch: ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren't here THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

@Book_Krazy: [Airport security] Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes Centipede: No problem. I'll just run. I have 100 legs. Guard: Remove your shoes

@Darlainky: I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.

@mjkspeaks: God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.