@PhilJamesson: [both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

@squirrel74wkgn: [at restaurant] Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine's Day! How many? Me: Just one, thanks. Wife (clears throat): Two.

@Social_Mime: Waiter - I'm Matt & I'll be taking care of you Me - You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough Wife - Give us a few minutes

@MrGeorgeWallace: Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.

@Home_Halfway: MUGGER: *exasperated* Look dude. I'm NOT mad at you. I JUST want your money and your watch. That's it. We're totally okay, I promise. ME: *wiping snot from my nose* ...okay, do you promise you aren't mad though