A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
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i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids