@sarcasm_inc: I would dress like Batman more often, but I cant run the risk of giant aliens invading and mistaking me for a large Pez dispenser.

@CatsForDinnerz: Opened a can of expired beans and an eagle flew out carrying a photo of a can of fresh beans. I nervously ate the photo while he observed.

@MarkoESQ: Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk, it is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.

@daemonic3: Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.

@PaulyPeligroso: Dudes named Chance never had one.