A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
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Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
☠️☠️☠️
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
#Caturday
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.