A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
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I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
My birthstone is a marshmallow
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.