A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
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You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
can you read it!!??
maan!
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!