A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
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AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Things will get butter, keep churning
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract