@robdelaney: A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
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@Jamie1947: Kanye on the beach, by the water, holding two large conch shells up to either ear. "That's incredible", he says "When did I record this?"
@Buncahn: [boy spreads his little arms] Boy: i love you this much daddy! Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
@CornOnTheGoblin: [bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there [she takes a sip] is this - [me from the end of the bar] IT'S MILK
@panmidwest: [texting gf across the table from me so the people we're making fun of won't hear] HER: hahaha ME: i can see you & you did not laugh at all