A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
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My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Sing it!
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago