I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
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The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’