I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
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The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”