@dafloydsta: A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
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@Brianhopecomedy: *bakes 12 cookies* *waits for family to come home* *eats 12* *family arrives* 5 year old: "I SMELL COOKIES!" "Weird! Here's a salad."
@Ivsy01: Me:Thank you, he's so hot I don't even know what I want to do first...Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
@d_duhwit: Car salesman: and it has a back up camera Me: Cool, where's the main camera? Cs: Sorry no this is for backing up Me: Ah, to the cloud Cs: no