A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
You Might Also Like
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.