A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
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The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy