A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
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12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”