@krisv_723: A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it's filled with everyone's mother-in-laws.
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@cwhudson: [Olive Garden] PATRON: there are so many types of pasta WAITER: [required to say this] yes...*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
@Phook75: Whenever my neighbor looks like they want to speak to me. I collapse to the ground motionless as if I were one of Andy's toys.
@LoveNLunchmeat: I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom... Then I discovered twitter.
@WilliamRodgers: I'd rather drop a baby than my iPhone.... I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.