A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
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Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
This might be the funniest tweet ever
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start