A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
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Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
i will avenge u mr van gogh
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*