I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
You Might Also Like
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Hot hot hot 🥵
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*