A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
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*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
me after drinking all the wine:
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives