A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
You Might Also Like
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>