A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
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People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Somebody’s lying.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*