@cleverprime: A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
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@patrickmarkryan: You're not impressing anyone, people who put a comma before the person's name when wishing them a happy birthday on Facebook
@taitutu: Judging by your selfie, I can't help wonder why your mother didn't try & sell you to a circus when you were younger.
@KelgoreTrout: the guy who named the spatula was so lazy. hes like "what should i call this thing that spatulas?"
@InternetHippo: BEN CARSON’S WIFE: Are you coming home for dinner BEN CARSON: Go to ben carson dot com and read my plan to come home for dinner