*me flirting
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My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.