A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
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Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
worst…sale…ever
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!