A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
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I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
They’re called werewolves.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.