A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
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4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.