Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
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Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
nobody’s gonna understand
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.