@PastorMark: A hipster guy is one who kept his grandpa's clothes but lost his grandpa's work ethic.
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@ElgatoEsmio: [sketchy parking lot] stranger: hey man, can you jump my car? me: maybe if i get a running start
@mattselman: If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
@moiragallaga: First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!