If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
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I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
shut up and take my money
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.