@Mattac0la: A hipster so cool he is reading a tree
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@pplwtching: Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
@SaraMansford: Date: Do u have any allergies? Me: I'm allergic to raisins. They make me cry D: That's an unusual reaction M: They could've been wine!!
@ArfMeasures: ROOMMATE: While I'm away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake? ME: Sure [later] ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something