I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
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wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Bike for sale
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’