@KelFocker: A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
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@LurkAtHomeMom: Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
@Reverend_Scott: [interview] "What's your strongest trait?" My fingers. "No, like... Are you pinching me??" GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch] THE JOB
@dmc1138: This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
@GianDoh: Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, "Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?"