Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
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Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
incredible text to wake up to
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
the red hot silly peppers
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die