me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
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they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Become a minion. Get that bread.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly