A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
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Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?