If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
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waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Boating season is upon us.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.